I Am Just Me 10/10/12

Life has been a mystery to me. How it begins or the right way to live. I just wander thru life hoping I'm not messing things up. I am not confident anymore in who I am. Whatever happened to the free spirit? I was so willing to do new things and go about life with hopes and dreams. Two and a half years has left me cautious and untrusting. I am broken and someone totally new. I'm not sure I like who I have become. I don't test waters. I don't love freely and without abandon. I don't dream of highly impossible things. I just focus on today and getting thru tomorrow. I am this girl becoming a woman and what has life done to me? I don't feel successful or content. I don't feel thrilled with who I am. I just am me... When did I settle for mediocre? When did I become the boring adult with no inspirings? I am pitifully wallowing in regrets and what ifs... I honestly am more put together now then ever but somehow I'm awakened to this idea of truth. I am nothing impressive or special. I am barely living. I cannot be proud of who I've been. No wonder I feel alone, I have been foolish and selfish and I am not impressed with what I've become. I wanted to be so much more than this. I wanted to be a great mom and have a career and husband. Yes, im only 22 but I have been a mother for six years. What do I have to show for myself? Subsidized housing, random part time jobs, cluttered living, late to meet up with friends, late to appts, excuses and foolish reasoning. I am a loser and this slap in the face has become my bitter world. I am nothing more then a meer sinful human. I don't deserve the happiness I seek but somehow I find myself dreaming again. I want to get married and turn over a new leaf. I want to work full time and graduate college with a BA degree. I want to have a clean house and happy kids. I want to be early again to meet up with friends and to appts. I want to toss out excuses and reasoning and just avoid the need to apologize for myself all the time. I feel like I been living a lie. I see with such clearness that I have wandered far away from my goals and from my hearts desires. I been a poor mother to my darling babies. They deserve so much more then my excuses. If I want a better appt then I will get one on my own. If I want to graduate college I will attend all classes and be early. If I want a clean house then I need to put time aside for cleaning daily. I need to make steps to change how Im living. I do not want to disappoint myself any longer. I see so clearly that Im clueless on how life should be. I do not have all the answers but I'm me. I may not be perfect or thrilled with my situation in life but I'm still me. At the end of the day I go to sleep wishing tomorrow I make better choices and love more deeply. I wish that I can fix the broken relationships I've created and wish I could change how I feel about myself when I look into the mirror. I see all my mistakes but somehow I just aim to do better each day then the last. Maybe thats all you can hope for in life? Hope to wake up happy that you have the chance to do better then you have before and hope that someday somehow the mistakes wont be bitter memories but challenges overcome. I'm not perfect. I'm far from it but I have the heart and mind to try to better myself each day and maybe thats all you can do? Try to do better and know that the heart matters most. I wish I had more confidence that I'm doing well but sadly I don't see myself that way yet. I'm barely making my dreams closer but somehow I'm okay with knowing I can try harder the next day if I feel like I've failed today. I wish I felt successful and like a good mom but I simply don't feel like I'm doing my best. What has happened to me? I've lost my fire and drive to success. I've become passive in my own life and playing victim once more. I cannot change the past regrets but I can stand up and change today. I am simply me being me. Love me or hate me but honestly I am just me.

~Jennifer Holton