Excuses Forgotten JAH 09/22/12

Here I am today looking back. Its been six years since I was that teenager pregnant in high school. Since then I've slowly realized how naive and unwise my life has been. Its like I'm waking up this year and seeing things as if for the first time.

I never realized how young I was and how foolish I've been till recently. The biggest sadness I have is knowing I have brought two wonderful girls into the world who will never be adored and raised by their birth fathers. I have sadly came to realize that my girls have deadbeat fathers who cannot be responsible, mature, adults and share the parenting. I am feeling alone in parenting them. I know its not true... I have a wonderful family and loving friends and a wonderful boyfriend who is amazing to me and to them, but somehow I have this sadness inside me still.

I'm sick of the excuses and arguing that happens with these deadbeat fathers. The three of us go about life as if we dont have real dads. Support is nonexistent, visits with them don't happen and the painful hole in the heart longs to be filled. Why do I regret my choices? Every day that I look at my beautiful little girls and realize in the past six years I've done everything for them that I can and still long to do more for them every day. I want them to have a wonderful life and loving family around them. I don't want them to hurt or feel abandoned.

I have such love for my babies that I forget that another person may not feel it at all. How can a parent look at their child and give excuses? I raise my kids, work two jobs, and am in college. I have rarely been away from my girls for more then a day or two since they've been born and I miss them like crazy when they are gone for even a few hours.

How can those deadbeats love their little girls if they give excuse and go about life as if they weren't parents at all?

Don't worry dads... Your little girls will grow up fine and someday they will realize what I have realized. You weren't the one they counted on while growing up. You were the one they never knew when they'd see you and if they cried, they cried for momma because you were just something temporary and never there. Take your excuses of why you're not seeing them or talking to them or being a reliable dad and don't worry, your excuses will be forgotten. Your excuses will hang in the air and blow away in time. Soon forgotten why you're saying you can't make it or why you haven't seen you daughter it'll all fade away to simply knowing you werent there.

You didn't impact the raising of your daughter much. She'll think of you as a forgotten excuse and soon she'll be living life and you will be missing it. Take the excuses and simply don't bother saying them. Save your breath deadbeats. It wont matter why you say you're not able to do things it'll just be you cant do anything and the excuse will be forgotten. Forgotten and fading fast from mattering. Someone else will take the place that you couldn't fill. You didn't become a dad. You became the past regret. Kids grow up and realize who truly cared and who was raising them and loving them.

One day my girls will wake up like I have and see the same thing looking back. Its not about who was in your life and passed thru it. Its about who was in your life and stay by your side thru everything. Time matters and excuses will be forgotten.

A blur of why I can'ts will become a lump of nothing but ashes of what could have been.

I stand here today a strong, success not because of who hurt me but because of who has helped me thru it all. I am here today a proud mother of two beautiful little girls and I honestly don't think they will be hurt by the fathers that never were. Love is not genetic, and DNA cant make a father out of a boy with a kid. Love is a virtue of time, committment, patience, and many more things then simply having a child born. The child isn't yours unless you've raised the child and dedicated your life to being a parent.

The excuses will be forgotten. Don't worry, I'm not hurting over why your not around deadbeats. I'm better at being me without you around. I've been doing just fine without your help I thought dads should give. I am capable of being a successful parent without your excuses.

You are forgotten and not counted on. Congradulations deadbeat, no one knows who you are but you are excused from the picture. I am far from the girl I once was. I'm becoming an adult and someday my girls will be grown up too and looking back wondering if not having a loving father has hurt them and don't worry.
You wont hurt us, and haven't hurt us.

You are forgotten.

~JAH