I Am Just Me 10/10/12

Life has been a mystery to me. How it begins or the right way to live. I just wander thru life hoping I'm not messing things up. I am not confident anymore in who I am. Whatever happened to the free spirit? I was so willing to do new things and go about life with hopes and dreams. Two and a half years has left me cautious and untrusting. I am broken and someone totally new. I'm not sure I like who I have become. I don't test waters. I don't love freely and without abandon. I don't dream of highly impossible things. I just focus on today and getting thru tomorrow. I am this girl becoming a woman and what has life done to me? I don't feel successful or content. I don't feel thrilled with who I am. I just am me... When did I settle for mediocre? When did I become the boring adult with no inspirings? I am pitifully wallowing in regrets and what ifs... I honestly am more put together now then ever but somehow I'm awakened to this idea of truth. I am nothing impressive or special. I am barely living. I cannot be proud of who I've been. No wonder I feel alone, I have been foolish and selfish and I am not impressed with what I've become. I wanted to be so much more than this. I wanted to be a great mom and have a career and husband. Yes, im only 22 but I have been a mother for six years. What do I have to show for myself? Subsidized housing, random part time jobs, cluttered living, late to meet up with friends, late to appts, excuses and foolish reasoning. I am a loser and this slap in the face has become my bitter world. I am nothing more then a meer sinful human. I don't deserve the happiness I seek but somehow I find myself dreaming again. I want to get married and turn over a new leaf. I want to work full time and graduate college with a BA degree. I want to have a clean house and happy kids. I want to be early again to meet up with friends and to appts. I want to toss out excuses and reasoning and just avoid the need to apologize for myself all the time. I feel like I been living a lie. I see with such clearness that I have wandered far away from my goals and from my hearts desires. I been a poor mother to my darling babies. They deserve so much more then my excuses. If I want a better appt then I will get one on my own. If I want to graduate college I will attend all classes and be early. If I want a clean house then I need to put time aside for cleaning daily. I need to make steps to change how Im living. I do not want to disappoint myself any longer. I see so clearly that Im clueless on how life should be. I do not have all the answers but I'm me. I may not be perfect or thrilled with my situation in life but I'm still me. At the end of the day I go to sleep wishing tomorrow I make better choices and love more deeply. I wish that I can fix the broken relationships I've created and wish I could change how I feel about myself when I look into the mirror. I see all my mistakes but somehow I just aim to do better each day then the last. Maybe thats all you can hope for in life? Hope to wake up happy that you have the chance to do better then you have before and hope that someday somehow the mistakes wont be bitter memories but challenges overcome. I'm not perfect. I'm far from it but I have the heart and mind to try to better myself each day and maybe thats all you can do? Try to do better and know that the heart matters most. I wish I had more confidence that I'm doing well but sadly I don't see myself that way yet. I'm barely making my dreams closer but somehow I'm okay with knowing I can try harder the next day if I feel like I've failed today. I wish I felt successful and like a good mom but I simply don't feel like I'm doing my best. What has happened to me? I've lost my fire and drive to success. I've become passive in my own life and playing victim once more. I cannot change the past regrets but I can stand up and change today. I am simply me being me. Love me or hate me but honestly I am just me.

~Jennifer Holton

Excuses Forgotten JAH 09/22/12

Here I am today looking back. Its been six years since I was that teenager pregnant in high school. Since then I've slowly realized how naive and unwise my life has been. Its like I'm waking up this year and seeing things as if for the first time.

I never realized how young I was and how foolish I've been till recently. The biggest sadness I have is knowing I have brought two wonderful girls into the world who will never be adored and raised by their birth fathers. I have sadly came to realize that my girls have deadbeat fathers who cannot be responsible, mature, adults and share the parenting. I am feeling alone in parenting them. I know its not true... I have a wonderful family and loving friends and a wonderful boyfriend who is amazing to me and to them, but somehow I have this sadness inside me still.

I'm sick of the excuses and arguing that happens with these deadbeat fathers. The three of us go about life as if we dont have real dads. Support is nonexistent, visits with them don't happen and the painful hole in the heart longs to be filled. Why do I regret my choices? Every day that I look at my beautiful little girls and realize in the past six years I've done everything for them that I can and still long to do more for them every day. I want them to have a wonderful life and loving family around them. I don't want them to hurt or feel abandoned.

I have such love for my babies that I forget that another person may not feel it at all. How can a parent look at their child and give excuses? I raise my kids, work two jobs, and am in college. I have rarely been away from my girls for more then a day or two since they've been born and I miss them like crazy when they are gone for even a few hours.

How can those deadbeats love their little girls if they give excuse and go about life as if they weren't parents at all?

Don't worry dads... Your little girls will grow up fine and someday they will realize what I have realized. You weren't the one they counted on while growing up. You were the one they never knew when they'd see you and if they cried, they cried for momma because you were just something temporary and never there. Take your excuses of why you're not seeing them or talking to them or being a reliable dad and don't worry, your excuses will be forgotten. Your excuses will hang in the air and blow away in time. Soon forgotten why you're saying you can't make it or why you haven't seen you daughter it'll all fade away to simply knowing you werent there.

You didn't impact the raising of your daughter much. She'll think of you as a forgotten excuse and soon she'll be living life and you will be missing it. Take the excuses and simply don't bother saying them. Save your breath deadbeats. It wont matter why you say you're not able to do things it'll just be you cant do anything and the excuse will be forgotten. Forgotten and fading fast from mattering. Someone else will take the place that you couldn't fill. You didn't become a dad. You became the past regret. Kids grow up and realize who truly cared and who was raising them and loving them.

One day my girls will wake up like I have and see the same thing looking back. Its not about who was in your life and passed thru it. Its about who was in your life and stay by your side thru everything. Time matters and excuses will be forgotten.

A blur of why I can'ts will become a lump of nothing but ashes of what could have been.

I stand here today a strong, success not because of who hurt me but because of who has helped me thru it all. I am here today a proud mother of two beautiful little girls and I honestly don't think they will be hurt by the fathers that never were. Love is not genetic, and DNA cant make a father out of a boy with a kid. Love is a virtue of time, committment, patience, and many more things then simply having a child born. The child isn't yours unless you've raised the child and dedicated your life to being a parent.

The excuses will be forgotten. Don't worry, I'm not hurting over why your not around deadbeats. I'm better at being me without you around. I've been doing just fine without your help I thought dads should give. I am capable of being a successful parent without your excuses.

You are forgotten and not counted on. Congradulations deadbeat, no one knows who you are but you are excused from the picture. I am far from the girl I once was. I'm becoming an adult and someday my girls will be grown up too and looking back wondering if not having a loving father has hurt them and don't worry.
You wont hurt us, and haven't hurt us.

You are forgotten.

~JAH

My Revelations 08/16/2012

So much negativity is all around me!! Ugh!! I am being dumped on this year with all kinds of emotional stress and Idc how "perfect" my life seems to people on the outside, from the inside I'm fighting a battle to keep my head clear and my focus on my faith to keep me from being bitter and negative 24/7.

I hate how the world has become so lost and careless towards each other. Our ancestors would turn in their graves if they saw how their family backstabs and treats each other now.

Hermits have the right idea... Hiding out sounds great sometimes. I wish I could just be me and be left alone and not get lonely. Or find people I can trust and believe in again.

Sad truth is I don't know anything anymore worth trusting. I'm so hurt by so many things that I don't dare trust anyone anymore.

What has happended to this generation?! What has happened to love, respect, and honor? I shouldn't have to worry about the things I do. I wish I could trust in God more to handle everything, but honestly some of the day to day stuff is my responsibility to do and I can pray for strength and pray that my trust in ppl comes back but im not sure things will ever be what they once were.

Gone is the day of innocent bliss. I'm an adult with scars to prove I've lived. I'm here and I'm alive. I have goals and I'm raising my girls up right. Everytime my girls jump and say "Yay! I want to see Jesus!!" I know that I have passed on the most important part of life that I know never fails.

Faith is the the truth you hold on to thru the storms that keeps you strong when you are weak. I don't know what I'll do if I ever lose sight of what little I have left in this life, but I am me. If people don't like how I am or talk poorly about me so be it, but it will dont damage my spirit!

What I have is far greater then worldly things that parish. I have something eternal to hold on to and I will NOT be afraid! I have my faith and my girls are watching me raise them and I am proud of who I am.
My failures and scars just prove I'm human and that God loves me just as I am. I dont have to fake it for God and I love that!! I can be real with who I am when I talk to Him. I will not let anything move me from my foundation! I will not let fear rule my life anymore!

Negativity and rumors and people being fake, it all makes no difference in the end. When you die you take only your soul with you. You have only who you are when you stand before the King and explain your life to Him. Nothing else matters in this world. It will all fade away.

~Jen

Green Eyes 07/02/2012

Green eyes a deep, soft mystery,

You are a new world,

And I just want to be in your galaxy,

Just want to be close to you,

Like a shooting star falling from the sky,

I'm leaving reasoning behind me,

And I'm giving learning to fly a try,

Nothing makes sense as I'm in a place untraveled,

Getting lost in your eyes,

They're the great unknown,

My heart races and as the sun rises,

My promises to be just me has been blown,

I smile as you change my mind,

My direction is unclear but the journey looks fun,

Sometimes its not the destination, but the travels,

That make it worth it and liking you isn't done,

Here I am getting lost in uncertainty,

No answers or questions just living life freely,

What tomorrow brings I will not know,

I'll just watch the present to see the future grow.

~Jen~

Afraid of Falling .... 6/10/12

Hey maybe life isn't simple?

But what am I so afraid of?

I'm clinging to what's comfortable and afraid of jumping into the unknown.

I'm just me trying to figure out how to relax and jump anyways.

Despite the fear,

Despite the risks falling hold,

I find myself happy and for some reason thats scary.

I hide behind who I really am and hide the love I want to show.

What am I doing? Why is this so hard? What am I so scared of?

Maybe I don't want to rush and get burned.

I been hurt so many times and guys just never see me as worthwhile.

I guess I have come to the conclusion to just let them think whatever they want to.

I am just me and I may be scared and self conscious, but hey the right guy will see thru to who I am and will take the time to get to know me for who I really am.

I hope someday that I'll be able to say I'm no longer scared of being left alone.

Abandoned, that word holds me back from jumping off the cliff and letting myself fall.

Will I always be afraid to fall?

~Jen Holton

Freefalling (2) 5/30/12

My heart is a mystery even to me,

I dream of love and other impossibilities,

Alone,

That word scares me,

I should feel free,

Yet its like I cant see,

The hope of tomorrows will be's,

I stand here like a girl clinging to a tree,

I hold fast to reasoning and cant let love just be,

Love is jumping off a cliff and letting go to be,

Freefalling,

Love is free,

                     Fa
                          ll
                             i
                               n
                                 g...
                                        .......
                                                .........

Its a journey that is long, crazy, fun, unstoppable, fast, and slow,

Falling into the unknown its an adrenaline rush of wind and freedom of letting go,

Releasing fears, doubts, and check lists to just letting love be free to flow,

Light all around the lucky two who have found that there just is no saying no,

Like a river love goes where ever it wants to and gives off a glow,

Free falling into the unknown the girl clinging to the tree suddenly lets go and

FLIES!!!

*~*Jen*~*

There She Goes 10/08/11

How did these scars get so deep?

Where is the heart that was beneath?

Never to love again,

She's like a whisper in the wind,

There she goes again,

The girl running from her soul,

There she goes again,

The pain filling her eyes,

No one can come close,

She's like a vapor in the breeze,

There she goes again,

Never close, her love is just a tease,

There goes the girls,

That nobody knows and everyone leaves.

~Jen Holton